10/18/17 Ambitious. Nervous. Hopeful. Thankful. Guilty. Scared.

Yesterday, I felt all of these things-I had a lot on my agenda yesterday and I was feeling very ambitious and excited to get the day started. I had Bekytt’s bag packed and ready, so as soon as he was settled after his morning feeding, I put him in the car to head to Madison. This was the first nap that I woke him from when putting him into the car at 9:40am.  He was sleeping so peacefully, but I figured that is the best time to get him in the car, he’ll fall right back asleep, right?  Well, he didn’t.

We got in the car and he wasn’t upset. Happy as ever actually and really smiling at something he was looking at, but he never did fall back asleep. He did however need a break to eat again, so I stopped and fed him in the backseat.  Classy.  I know.  We made it to my friends with a delivery by 11 am, but since she wasn’t home, I decided to give him a break and take him next door for a walk. The weather was gorgeous and I just wasn’t sure how many more gorgeous days we’d have.  Plus, dog parks like this were not just for dogs. I think I decided yesterday, dog parks in general are not just for dogs.  Kyle and I miss our dog Cassi daily.  We are dog people for sure, but saying goodbye to her was so hard and it feels so fresh we haven’t even considered getting another dog.  But the dog park is the next best thing! You get to walk the trails, be outside, and say “Hi” to so many adorable dogs and never have to clean up the poop! It was great really.  Bekytt seemed to enjoy it as well and I think he did nap for at least that hour of the walk.  Score.  Time was now 12pm and Hobby Lobby was around the corner.

I have heard great things about Hobby Lobby, but have never walked into the front doors.  This fireplace project has been hanging over me for months now and fall is truly the best time for home decor, so I figured I would tackle that. I was feeling nervous all day about Bekytt’s cardiology appointment at 2:30pm, so what better way to ignore that feeling and shop? Well, in that 5 minute car ride, he truly fell asleep again so to get him into his non-car seat stroller I woke him from a nap again. Nap 2 fail.  He did not fall asleep again, did eat well though and I found some great things, so I’d say success? As I loaded him back in the car to head to American Family Children’s Hospital, I figured he’d get another nap in then, I’d have some lunch before the appointment and we’d be set.  He did fall asleep, sound asleep. I tried to find somewhere to eat that had a drive thru and wasn’t unhealthy just to keep him in the car, but I don’t think that exists.  I just knew I didn’t want to wake him by taking him out of the car.  I decided I’d eat at the hospital, carefully put him in his bassinet stroller, and we’d be set for an hour nap before the appointment!

I was pretty proud of myself when I was successful at not waking him.  I was nervous walking into the hospital, but still hopeful that magically the PDA would at least be smaller or gone altogether and that his ASD wouldn’t be causing too many issues.  I was directed to the first floor cafe, ordered a delicious yet nutritious beet salad and thought I was set. And then it happened.  Bucky Badger, yes the Bucky, shows up, sees Bekytt sleeping, puts his hand, paw rather, in the stroller, taps Bekytt repeatedly ad wakes him up. The cheerleaders accompanying him scolded him.  Bekytt screamed when he saw his huge face and just as I picked him up to settle hm, the UW Band started to play.  Nap 3 interrupted.  #momfailing.  This time Bekytt decided he wouldn’t stop crying until he cried himself to sleep.  Well you can guess what happened next.  He falls asleep, mom doesn’t get to finish said salad, and then they call him back for his echo.  Nap 4 disturbed.  

The team at Children’s is great though.  They have magic ways to calm babies and do not rush us at all.  They swaddle him in a warm blanket, elevate the bed, let me nurse him, and give him some amazing lights to be distracted by.  We got through the echo and his vitals, and he finally got to sleep and stay asleep.  My husband came to meet with us and the cardiologist and as the doctor explained to us that the two holes Bekytt has in his heart are still there and won’t go away on their own, I am thankful to be in good hands.  I am thankful for the UW team and trust when surgery does come that they will take the best care of him.  The doctor was wonderful and answered all of our questions, but the parent guilt started to sink in for a brief moment afterward.  Did I do something that caused preterm labor and ultimately his heart defects?  I could ignore it before, but now that my son needed surgery to fix his heart because of it, I started to wonder.  Thank goodness I didn’t have time to think about it as I had an appointment at 5pm.

Bekytt napped this time for over 2 hours.  I felt guilty for keeping him out all day, but I really needed every moment of that day to happen.  I needed the errand to get me out of the house.  The walk for us to be outside enjoying these fall days.  Hobby Lobby to make me finish this never ending project.  Bucky because, well, we do love Bucky and I am a former Badger so it was going to happen one day.  And the echo.  The echo is what enables us to know what is going on with his heart and his doctors to know how to fix it.  I’m scared about the future.  Whether I’ll recognize the warning signs or not.  Whether he will handle anesthesia or not.  If the surgery will be successful and what the side effects will be.  But last night I handed him to a great friend, worked out, and then had Girls Night for the first time in a long time while Kyle had Bekytt.  I took care of me in the best way possible so that when I came home I could give all my love and attention to my son.  I may be scared, but I am hopeful that it will all be ok, and we have a lot of people praying for him.  He is braver than he believes, stronger than he seems, and smarter than he thinks.  –Kathryn Kraft, MPT

2 thoughts on “10/18/17 Ambitious. Nervous. Hopeful. Thankful. Guilty. Scared.”

  1. I so love your blog, and the wonderful pics of precious Bekytt.
    When you make y’alls trip to to Ohio; I wish y’all safe travels, eventfree travels, some privacy stops for you to nurse. I hope you get all your desires at your party and get to see as many family as possible.
    I just left Aunt Pegs House was there a week.
    Can’t wait for your trip 🙏

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